This past weekend I was given the opportunity to speak to a room of my peers on anything I wanted. The experience was my first, and I have to say it was pretty odd for this 32 year old youth pastor.  Wait did I just say 32 year old youth pastor? Did I really have anything to say?

First let me explain what this peer to peer moment was all about. I was invited by my friend Chris Ball to speak at Scribble Sessions, a youth ministry version of the Whiteboard Sessions. The basic idea is that speaker and whiteboard interact for a given amount of time, 30 minutes in this conference, on whatever they wanted to talk about. It was a great concept, and had a ton of potential and delivered on a lot of that potential. The subject matter discussed was everything from high talk of cutlure shifts which sparked great debate to basic essentials in teaching methodology.

Since the day I was asked many months ago to do this conference, I had many questions. Questions for myself.

Should I really be doing this? Do I have anything to bring to the table that a room full of my peers would want to hear or be challenged with? What would be that talk, or scribble session?

Honestly I left it in the can for a long while until August when the date started really approaching. Soon I started work on some ideas that were coming together. They were built of of many conversations I was having in bits and peices and eventually a talk was born, but all the while several ideas floated (and still float around in my head).  At this point my insecurity had not really kicked in yet. I was given full confidence that I had a place and a voice that should be there, but as things got closer doubt severaly surfaced. Even after 10 years in student ministry, I am not completely sure I have a place giving ideas or even that this is a fitting place.

So as the moment approached for my talk, which happened after this dude Steve Argue from Mars Hill, my nerves jumped up to levels that normally don’t happen.  I knew that I had chosen to avoid a safe 30 minute talk that would be easy. Instead I embarked on the abstract open, that was only abstract due to the fact most people would never begin such a talk in a conference like this, with how to create an awesome T-shirt.  Even though that was only an entry to the larger discussion at hand, it was risky.

As I was called up to the stage, I looked into a room that in my mind had no reason to care about the words I would say. Would I care?  I began the talk and I could feel the stunned silence. I asked a couple questions and disccovered that the crowd I expected apparently did not show up to this deal. A few nervouse laughters came as a pushed on through the start. Everybit of my confidence, my identity, and my desire to teach in this moment was tested.  It’s been a while since I have experienced that gaultet of feelings.  My mind said so many things that my heart did not believe.  For many moments I was just another guy who probably should have said no, and then other moments my spirit said just do what you said you would do.

I did turn the corner and get to the meat of the talk, and while some gave a thumbs up, I left knowing it was not my best outing, and feeling like I just let a lot of folks wondering why I was on the guest list. Peer to peer was odd, and I am not sure I will ever feel at home there, at least not on the guest list.  Maybe at the table or at dinner.  At the end of the day I still believe what I brought and is what I had prepared. I believed in what I prepared. Besides the world doesn’t really need another big name.